“A Heart full of Anger”

Not sure if you have heard the quote ‘ A heart full of anger has no room for love’, but even if you haven’t heard it I’d image you have felt the throws of it especially when dealing with a rambunctious 3 year old or two. Mommies and Daddies have a calling to due diligence. I really like this definition I found in the Webster dictionary ‘the care that a reasonable person exercises to avoid harm to other persons’. The fact is anger hurts. It hurts not only us but also our children. And I’m not talking the initial feelings of anger but I am speaking of the attitudes and actions resulting from our anger.

Children are amazing barometers. They have a knack for reacting to the atmospheric pressures of life they sense around them and thus over-reacting to that pressure. Then we soon find ourselves with them in the ‘pressure cooker’ with attitude escalations, raised voices, and EVERYTHING becomes a REAL BIG DEAL.

Something I have learned when I feel that my world has become a ‘big deal’ is to take personal inventory. Am I angry? Why am I frustrated at my child? Is it really that they are not listening or is it that I am not listening? Am I not present?  And most often what I have learned in those moments (thankfully pre-children) is that in my struggle against self I end up in a battle of wills with my child. My own agenda gets in the way of a peaceful relationship (with my child or frankly, someone else’s). If I wasn’t so persistent in trying to accomplish my own agenda that day I could refocus on my child and relationship. It all goes back to relationship. Anger hinders relationship.

So, when I find myself in this pressure cooker and I’m feeling angry, what do I do? I have to take a step back. Realize my agenda and lay it down if at all possible. And most days I find for myself, that it IS possible. The dishes can wait, the laundry, the house, the shower, the project and the list goes on.

Sheri12

… and some how, I don’t think it’s worth the struggle.

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Posted in Daily Life, Parenting 101 | 2 Comments

PARENTING 101

psalm

We’ve all heard the controversy; spank, don’t spank. Say no; don’t say no because your hurting their psyche. Make them ‘do it because you said so’ vs. give them choices so they feel empowered. Be firm but don’t yell…

But what are the facts? Proverbs 22:6 states Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. But, what does this ‘way’ look like? How do we get them from point A.-birth to point B.-adulthood and walking on a good solid path?

What I have found… well, why should you listen to me…little ol’ me. Grown from the weeds of middle earth, I mean middle Maine. What do I know about parenting? What was modeled to me is another topic all together… So, what do I know? Well, I know the love of a Father. Yes, Father’s heart for the little children but most importantly for little ol’ me.  And it is from this place that a solid foundation was laid. 

His heart begs the question, ‘what if parenting is to be directed from the heart of process verses a heart of control (or aka. to ‘make them mind’) or even fear them into submission. What if it is all about relationship. We see the same thing modeled in the life of Christ. Are we a law-abiding Christian like the Pharisees and Sadducees or do we have a relationship with a loving Father like sinful David? A man after God’s own heart, grown out of the ash of process.

I often think of a quote from the Grinch who stole Christmas… ‘Maybe Christmas perhaps, means a little bit more’well, I’m stealing it for parenting

grinch

Parenting perhaps means a little bit more…

More than just making my kid mind, more than obedience and public display.

Do we want law abiding children or do we want deep relationship with our children as they grow and beyond? Now I am in no way saying we don’t want our children to ‘mind’ and be respectful etc. etc. I am talking about the core of where we can begin with these little people. Little people with little minds and little personalities all their own. Uniquely fashioned for relationship not only with us as parents, but through that relationship, they are also learning how to have relationship with Father. And we can have a real impact on this relationship. What kind of lenses will you give your child? Have you ever wondered where some people get the idea of an ANGRY GOD? A God that not only shows them their shortcomings, but point them all out too.

Funny, I used to think that children were kind of mindless drones. Don’t laugh, it really was a revelation to me that little ones had unique personalities. Thank God, He spared me of learning this lesson years before having my own children. But, let’s face it for those of you who have followed our journey you know we have had many a year to prepare! Watching both the failures and victories of many around us we get to reap from their mistakes and strengths a like. But, we all know we will make enough of our own.

For what it’s worth, I would like to share a little story about our sweet Provvidenza. She had a space of time that she was prone to hitting. She would hit pretty much anything within reach. If she fell, she would hit the floor. Ran into the wall, she would hit the wall. Bump a chair and there would be wrath given to that chair.  As this seemed to continue, even to the point of us getting some swats from her, we decided to seek the counsel of those we trusted around us. All I kept thinking is does this sweet girl have an anger problem? What are we dealing with here… So, we and our Pastor friend took it to prayer. Our friend came back to us with what He felt as a word from the Lord concerning her outbursts. That she had a little God given seed within her regarding Justice. She would get ‘hurt’ and know that this just isn’t’ right and I don’t like it. As a side note a few days later we also had an unrelated experience as a friend came to us privately and said that they had often wondered why we seemed to react fiercely when one of our friends were suffering or going through hard times. Then she realized we strongly stood for justice. Well, seemed an amazing confirmation to me. Like Father like daughter I guess you could say or in our case, like parents like daughter’.

Now, we had a choice to switch the focus of our parenting. We could continue with our focus on merely stopping that ‘bad’ behavior or choose the harder route of nurturing the gifting inside her. This sweet little portion of her heart that yearned as Father does to weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn. This portion that was filled with compassion for the people as Jesus was. The shift was from law focused ‘no, no that’s wrong’ and into helping her process what was happening to her. Helping her recognize foremost her emotion and then vocalize how she was feeling  (instead of allowing her to mindlessly lash out on some inanimate objects or us).

We could choose to enter into relationship with our little girl while she was in process, nurturing this gift inside her. A unique girl with a unique calling and a unique heart. If our focus had been on merely making her mind because ‘this isn’t appropriate’, through an avenue of control, intimidation or fear of punishment we could have ended up squelching the very gift God created her to be. She is a home for the justice of God to carry compassion and understanding to those around her. A truth seeker for the hurts in her little world and all that wrapped up inside a little seed residing in a 2  year old.  

All of parenting; what we do, what we say, and the boundaries we set up must be seen through a time machine. How will this affect my child, and our relationship in the long run. How are they being shaped. Are we seeing them as mindless little bodies full of bents towards naughtiness or as great gifts carrying great gifting’s that are being fashioned from the day they were created. 

 

 

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LIFE AFTER LOSS

As we await the arrival of our new little miraSheri62cle bundle (only days away from our due date) I have had much time to reflect. This phrase ‘life after loss’ has stuck with me these past years and I thought it may be an appropriate time to journal my journey in this area, that maybe it would find itself a helpful home within some readers out there who have suffered loss or would like insight from one who has. Though yes, I have lost an uncle, grandparents, cousins, etc. – I am really writing regarding the loss of babies.

Many of you have followed our raw journey while we were in the throes of loss, but maybe have not heard the outcome of such a travesty on one’s life and countenance. I would have to say first that I must answer the questions: ‘Is there life after loss’? – Yes! ‘Can it be abundant life?’ – YES! ‘Is their peace’ – YES!

Now and again, I admit, it has crossed my mind that I am a mother of 6. But thankfully this thought does not bear the weight of grief and sorrow and I am so thankful. I look how far I have come since that day sitting at church when God told me that He wanted to be my comfort. Did I understand then such depths His comfort could plunge? I remember the days that followed when I could barely make it through the day let alone pray, feeling so dead inside. Today I only see the peace, the strength and the treasures of these new little lives Father has brought to me. I see a God who comforts and resurrects from the dead and in the process heals ones inner wounds, especially for me (He used such loss to heal me of childhood wounds that were deep and all-encompassing). He also healed me physically of sickness and disease.

There is life after loss. It can be a free place with great comfort beyond our minds, beyond our understanding.  A place where the pain has been washed away.  It is a place of truth, His truth. A place of Abundant Life…

~

John 10:10 10The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

Sheri48Abundance: more, greater, excessive, abundant, exceedingly, vehemently; preeminence, advantage

Greek: perissós…– properly all-around, “more than” (“abundantly”); beyond what is anticipated, exceeding expectation; “more abundant,” going past the expected limit (“more than enough . . . “).  http://www.biblehub.com

Are you seeing His abundance outflow into your world? Maybe yours is not the loss of a baby. Will you dare to ask? Can His abundance reach every area of my life? Can His comfort go deeper than I have experienced (in any deep areas of hurt)?

May you see His fulfillment in all areas of your life…

Love and blessings,

Sheri Mortillaro

photos: http://www.eastnestmedia.com

Posted in LIFE AFTER LOSS | 9 Comments

FACING THE GIANTS

FACING THE GIANTS

We all have a journey.

Today I am here to share with you my journey which lead me through my mountains of abuse, sickness, loss and to the celebration of life, love, peace, healing, and restoration.

We are all called on a journey and we are all called to face the giants on the mountain.

What is your mountain?                     And what have you decided in the face of your mountain?

This choice will forever change your lives; the path you choose to walk will either lead you to the fullness of His blessings or ambling around in mediocrity and lack. Facing your mountain produces for you the very riches of the fruit of His spirit –things you not only reap in this life but the life to come. What moth cannot eat, and soot cannot tarnish.

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I know many of us are waiting for God to move on our behalf or family members behalf; there is sickness, disease, threats of divorce, abuse, pain, death and sacrifice. Hopes dashed, hearts broken and loves lost, depression, addictions and loneliness. Some of us have given up. Some of have strived for what we want; creating Ishmaels along the way and reaping little return. We go around our mountains over and over.

But, there is a God who sees. He sees opportunity to make us more like Him by every mountain, and every giant. Through every seeming wall we face He offers peace, compassion, truth, justice, longsuffering, healing, health, wholeness and love. To teach us how to not merely survive but thrive; He offers ABUNDANT LIVING; real living.

He turns trial into hope, hope into blessing. Pain into peace. Heartache to perseverance. Hearts of fear and stagnation to hearts brimming with love and all this is done if we embrace the ‘pressure cooker’ of life and face our Mountain.

~~~~~Here is just a little about my journey~~~~~

My journey began in the back woods of Maine in a hunting shack… I was the oldest of my mom’s children. Abuse lead way to fearful nights (nightmares), and stress… Harboring these hurts, I was consumed with abandonment which quickly turned to sickness; and an anxiety disorder, O.C.D. (which left me counting and washing myself clean), and arthritis (of the Spine). In the heartache of childhood I made a vow and 2 decisions that would change my life for many years to come; setting mindsets in motion that I soon began to reap. I decided that I didn’t want children-all they are, are burdens. And I decided I needed to be the strong one and not cry. I had watched my dad leave and spent many a year not crying.

Fast forward: My husband and I married in 2003… and on our journey God took us to a very dark place in our marriage where the only way I can describe it as there was no light at the end of the tunnel. God had mashed a controlling husband with a scar’d girl- a seeming recipe for disaster… or… the makings of something beautiful if we would only see it through… then in one night, when all was lost, He gave us hope and began to show me how to walk through… no longer AROUND our troubled hearts and thoughts. And I learned to begin to speak over my life, body, and mind the truths of God in His word. He began a cleansing in me as HEALER and RESTORER. As I began to repent-by letting go of the hurts against me for past and present; my body began to get healed; anxiety left, OCD left, and arthritis of the spine was documented as gone!

I really believe this prepped me for the fight of my life; what the world would call INFERTILITY…

Though I seemed to have gotten healed in many areas I was getting sicker in others; monthly cycles started consuming 3 weeks out of the month; with not feeling well and a few days of extreme pain where I couldn’t even talk or move or be touched. But we didn’t think much about having children we just figured they would come when they would come.

Then 2007-2010 began a series of seemingly random events where people whom we did not know and did not know us (at church events we attended outside our home church) began telling us that God said we were going to have kids. They would pray for us, pray healing for us. And we would leave thinking If something was wrong it’s fixed.

September 07 –A woman told us ‘that something may not be working properly or is wrong in body but she said I am supposed to have babies, so she prayed for me laying her hands on my stomach.. How odd

In 08: A man told us at a conference that God had a family for us

In 2010 a little girl approached us at a church and told us that God says you love children and He has a surprise for you coming.

These people did not know we even wanted children. And I had always figured God would just do it! Until one day I was the sickest I had been and through much prayer and seeking God gave me a dream that I should go to the doctors.

This decision lead to an operation table where I was diagnosed with stage 3 near 4 endometriosis (There are only 4 stages and my friend had stage 4 with many operations ending in a hysterectomy, never having had children).This disease covered many of my organs, and because of the severity they didn’t remove any surgically (which they do in lesser cases). This disease leaves many without children and often with other disease. We received a 4% chance of having children and that was before the laundry list was finished. Top that all off with a tipped uterus and a closed cervix the only thing we had to rely on was His word and boy did he massage it into us in these times.

–The list began grow as we were in the doctors sometimes a few times a week with ultrasounds, procedures, injections, blood tests, operations for polyps, cysts, fibroids, etc. etc… but, nothing seemed to be working as pregnancy would bring the needed healing to my body. Once or twice the very operation to remove a polyp would be shortened as the small mass had disappeared.

January of 2012 we found ourselves still not pregnant: WE had a guest speaker come to church and afterwards he told me that God had shown him that ‘I had made a vow as a child that I did not want any children’. Something that no one but God would have known. He prayed over me and told that it would no longer hinder my life.

The next month- February of 2012:-We began joking about having our triplets and lo and behold we were pregnant with 3! After our second attempt at invitro…. During these couple months of pregnancy we went to church and on one particular Sunday a woman (and to this day I have no idea who it was as our congregation is small and I know everyone!) A woman who was sitting in front of me turned and said to me ‘You have been asking God for something, but He is saying to wait; it’s a good thing’…

I remember journaling and asking God that very service what He wanted to be for me. What aspect of Him did He want to show to me? And in the still small voice He said ‘comforter’. My heart raced as I pondered the concept of what He could mean! I was already pregnant, what comfort did I need… unless… my heart was sinking fast!

Then I had prayer from church leadership after service that same day and it was as if someone had stormed my prayer closet with God spoke His very words to me… ‘Sheri, God wants to be your comforter.’ We were told that As we raised our arms in a V towards God He was going to fill us with ‘victorious living’.

WE lost our triplets

This was more painful then abuse, more painful than a hurting marriage, this was guttural wrenching pain. I wanted to die. I told God to take me. I couldn’t even stomach to pray. Why would He do this to me! I love Him, I follow Him!! For the first time in my life I understood those who said they were ‘angry with GOD’. But, what He released in me this day was ashamedness before Him. He could handle my anger, my ugly. He released a great passion for life. He released a wife to step aside and a husband to step up in hearing and leading, He released locked childhood emotions and forever set my heart free to love. Because soon after this, in ONE DAY. The heavy burden of sorrow was lifted and I felt free again and I now know that with God all things are possible to step through.

There were days of recouping… and from here there were more procedures/operations and we had another pregnancy and another loss. But this time I pulled out the new weapon of my arsenal that no man could take from me. I took out PRAISE. I took out COMFORT. The comfort of my God. My husband and I went out and celebrated!

Meanwhile I kept remembering the reoccurring dream I would have about running my race and I kept being captured by the enemy until the third time. The third time through the enemy relented because of my persistence with finishing! My persistence with going through this mountain. My persistence with submitting to the process. Not ignoring, not finding ways around it but headlong; face like flint…

Then God calls us to a rest…

In 2013 We took time to heal and rest as we felt Father leading. During this time I picked up a book By Pastor Bob Campbell Freedom from Endometriosis. The book focused on attacking the spiritual roots to the disease…

Through our journey we learned that as we poured out, He poured in:

As we poured out pain and our fears, He poured in comfort that only He could give

As we poured out our unbelief and disappointments He poured in wisdom to speak over our bodies, future and home what He was going to do not what we were seeing.

As we poured out in humility and heartache (at the many births, baptisms, pregnancy announcements, the loss of 4 babies, anger, hurts, and disappointments.) He poured in His longsuffering, His grace to enable us to move on, and His bottomless pools of strength.

As we poured out our anger and control He taught us how to surrender all and to even reap peace and joy in the journey.

And all this brought us to Valentines week of 2014!

I had a checkup this week with a different doctor with what seemingly was unrelated to disease, and during the exam he asked me the very thing I didn’t expect to hear ‘do you have endometriosis’?. You see I had really put my hope in being healed! He rushed me in for an ultrasound and told me that I needed to get pregnant now because if I wasn’t soon I needed to have more surgeries. On my ride home I was oddly not upset but instead with fervor I told God He HAD to do it. He said He would, so do it! There was absolutely nothing left to be done or tried in man’s eyes. There was nothing left I could do!

Though I thank God for even the short pregnancies and drugs given (via hormones) because they had made me feel better than I had in years! But, soon even that was wearing off…

BUT, VALENTINE’S DAY arrived with joy as I awoke from an amazing dream that I was healed and that He had made all things new…

I awoke to hearing his voice in my ear that healed my aching heart for my 4 babies. He spoke these words to me ‘not all life is meant to be lived for 60, 80, 90 years.’ And with that He healed my broken heart.

–a week later after 11 years of marriage we found out we were pregnant (our 3rd pregnancy)- it was without intervention and we knew she was ours to keep…

How can one ask if going through the mountain was worth it? Was the pain worth it? Was the loss worth it? When you look into the eyes of this perfect little girl. When you sit in peace in your own skin. When you know the comfort of a living God. When you’re sitting side by side a hearing strong husband. When you know the joy of a healed body…you will not wonder if the journey through was worth it.

You will never be a conqueror going around your problems (ignoring them, pretending they are not there, or sweeping them under the carpet). But you ARE more than a conqueror through Christ. You can level every mountain into fields of glory.

For I have found, that if you submit to the process, you come out better on the other side, full of treasures that can never be revoked. Treasure that holds no place for fear, control, anger, unforgiveness, heartache, and trauma. For these were never meant for us to carry alone or for us to keep. And if we give up the weight to the one who died to take it off us we will be free to truly live the abundant life.

Abounding in ever increasing peace, joy and love, healing and restoration.

God proved himself faithful and trustworthy; our little Provvidenza Rose was born November 5th, at 7:07 pm! What a glorious perfect day to meet our 8lb 4oz bundle.

You see about three ago my husband had come home saying he knew the name of our little girl; PROVVIDENZA. Little did we know the weight the name would carry as it wasn’t until we were pregnant that we understood its meaning: God conceived and watched over… The very providence of God.

Have you embraced your journey? Today will you leave behind abuse, sickness, loss and begin the journey to love, life, peace, healing, and restoration. *Face Your Mountain and watch it crumble before a holy Powerful Almighty God.. The God who sees. He sees just where you are…

For those who wait upon the lord will not be put to shame… that’s a promise

We all have a journey.

We are all called on a journey and we are all called to face the giants on the mountain.

What is your mountain?                     And what have you decided in the face of that mountain?

Thank YOU

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A Thornless Rose

thorn

My little Rose so small and just hours after being born inundated with what seemed to be thorned hecklings of her imperfection. I nearly choked on those thorns…                                 Rosie was born with hip dysplasia which in a nutshell gave her hips opt out of their rightful space due to shallow sockets and wrong angles.

Steadfastness came from Deuteronomy 28. I had been reading and believing it over andIMG_0861 over again before Rosie was born. So, I knew my baby’s portion was for blessing. The phrase that kept ringing in my ears even before she was born was, ‘perfect in every way’. You know, from Mary Poppins.  It was my portion… it is Provvidenza’s portion, even her name sake. I remember crying straight for days. All the little clothes and first moments paraded themselves before me as she could be delayed in many ways. All the little things that meant so much to a mommy. The silly things. ‘You have your little one’ people declared as if I should be joyful, and I was, but I also knew her portion and this just wasn’t it.  It wasn’t until after the 7th confirmation by different professionals along with the promise of months of recovery to avoid surgery and teenage affliction if she ever dreamed of having an active lifestyle that we conceded reluctantly to the harness. The harness which promised to bring her to normalcy.

We had the brace put on which opened our calendar for pediatric, orthopedic, chiropracticIMG_0840 advice, and hospital techs to do ultrasounds making sure she improved and her hips were in socket as they solidified. It wasn’t even a week later as we continued in prayer and brought her to church for prayer that we noticed her left leg was no longer moving. We made an emergency appointment with the orthopedic to which they promptly removed the brace just in time for us to celebrate thanksgiving. They wanted the brace back on as soon as she gained full mobility. She soon did but we were even more reluctant now to put the brace back on. We decided to make another dr. appointment, besides, there had been many a prayer on her behalf. To our joy the dr. who once insisted we get the brace was pronouncing how he had never seen such a miracle before in all his years. He did not want that brace back on her body. Her leg had totally shifted and her right leg was completely normal. The left only needed about 30% more to go. The orthopedic was not so easily convinced and sent us for weekly observation and another ultrasound while still pressuring us to put the brace on. Another day, another appointment with the ultrasound tech came. The Tech grabbed the dr. (along with 5 others) and to her amazement Provvidenza’s hips looked amazing. She wondered what we had done and marveled that she had not been wearing the brace and received such quick drastic healing. Her numbers improved quite drastically. Her left leg had jumped up even above her age range and just 1 point from an adult angle of perfection.

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Her orthopedic ended up calling us relaying the good news and went from wanting to see us weekly plus ultrasounds to wanting to see us in 6 months!

So my little miracle baby has had her first miracle… we are grateful, we are thankful and my momma heart is joyful to see my little one kicking free and even rolling over at only 7 weeks old! Now isn’t that just the icing on the cake! well, not to mention the sweet little outfits I get to see her beautiful self in, instead of a chaffing body contraption.

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 She was born at 7:07, on the 7th the doctor instructed the brace be on her after she was examined by 7 doctors…the 27th we celebrated freedom for Thanksgiving, then at 7 weeks old she proves the meaning of that number- pure perfection and completion.

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And, did I mention that because of her hips we went to church for prayer. Because of the length of the prayer time Provvidenza needed to eat after everyone left. Because she needed to eat we got to save our church from a fire. How amazing is that!

Lets see where this wild ride called parenthood takes us. What will it show us.

~~WAHOO!!!~~

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“The fruit of your womb will be blessed”~ 28:4

“…and on everything you put your hand to.” vs8

The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity—in the fruit of your womb” vs8

” The Lord will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven.” vs7

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“My Rose”

rose My little Provvidenza Rose was born November 5th, at 7:07 pm! What a glorious perfect day to meet my 8lb 3.9oz bundle. The best day of my life and I will forever look back on that day and that moment as a tremendously joyful experience. She was perfect in every way with her dark hair (just as I had always envisioned), grey eyes, olive complexion, dimpled shoulders and a very quiet disposition as she barely cried and wanted to eat rather immediately, proving herself to be her mother’s child!  It was purely amazing to see her and touch her after so long. I scarcely could see her through the tears of joy in my eyes.

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It was only a few years ago Jamie had come home from work spouting, “the name of our baby girl is going to be ‘Provvidenza'”. Little did we know the weight and meaning behind that name at the time. It wasn’t until we were pregnant that we pondered the true meaning of the name, and wonder at its depth; God conceived, watched over…

providence…

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How can I explain when people ask, ‘can you believe you have a little girl?!’…Its so funny because just after she was born I kept saying to God… “I CANT BELIEVE IT, BUT I BELIEVE IT!!” I had waited so long, believed so long that when it finally happened it was like a dream come true. “Unbelievably believable” is the only way I can describe it. Even after two months with her I still find myself tearing over how amazing she is and how thankful I am. This I am sure I will do for the rest of my life.

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So thank you Father, thank You for showing me the glories of how you keep Your word. The glories of Your promises and the power of Your name.

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We thank You! IMG_0938

~and all praying~

 

Posted in In the Waiting... | 3 Comments

The Quietness of Resurrection Life

 

                   HAPPY EASTERapple

Today to me is a great Celebration Day! A day to celebrate His Resurrection Life and power. His resurrection came to give us life and power in Him. I am reminded of a Psalm..

“No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame” ~Psalm 25:3

As many of you read from my Valentines excerpt, in the wee hours of the morning God gave me a great gift of healing that day that I could not rightly describe yet, the fruit of that healing yielded its bloom by the end of the month with news that we were Pregnant with our long-awaited miracle baby. This is the first time in our almost 11 years of marriage that we became pregnant without interventions. Today, Easter we celebrate our transition into the second trimester. We celebrate a God that through life’s trials does not put us to shame for our hope and faith in Him. We celebrate a God of Resurrection power and miracles that made a way when the doctors believed there was no way.

It was in that very month of February that I had gone to a bladder specialist due to some issues I had been having over the past years since all the surgeries and such. Strangely enough, he asked me after a very uncomfortable 5 second exam if I had endometriosis. I thought, ‘oh no, I didn’t come in to hear about this again. I had hoped it was gone honestly!’. He had me do a surprise ultrasound which was a long event filled with many pictures of the still remaining cyst, endometrium and fibroid. Then, calling me back into his office gave me his prescription; “You must get pregnant Now”, he blurted with no reservation and also declared that if I wasn’t in a year from now that I would need to consider more surgeries. Well, I went home not sad and not even angry. I remember saying to God…’Ok God, You do it (as I have said many times before). We have been faithful to walk where you have called us in this, now YOU do it as you promised us!’… well, it wasn’t but a few weeks later I began feeling different and there it was 2 positive pregnancy tests staring back at me! I had always dreamed of surprising my husband and now I had the chance! I had always wondered how God would surprise me with the news since I ALWAYS thought about it. BUT I WAS SURPRISED AT THE  TIMING!!

baby mortillaro2Looking back I can not only see the goodness of His journey for us; including tremendous amounts of growth, healing, peace gleaning and wisdom gained along the way but, I remember something that had been pressed on my heart in months passed. I had always wondered what this moment would be like and at times just felt it would look like a big explosion going off of miraculous power but, instead His still small voice assuring me that some miracles come quietly and they are still miraculously powerful all the same.

Enjoy your holiday today. Celebrate His goodness, His power that works in and through you. Hear Him and you will never be put to shame.

~HAPPY EASTER~

 

Posted in Daily Life | 12 Comments

Gods Valentines Gift to Me

heartLast night at around 3 or 4 am I awoke, and being very awake I retreated to the other room to listen to some soaking music. Normally I grab my computer and hope to find something relaxing to put my mind on till I’m lulled to sleep.

I was very restless, and  in this the thought came to me, to give Father my Valentines first fruits. I professed my love for Him, my gratefulness at how His love has transformed my life and my family’s life. I am so thankful that He teaches me how to love. I praised and worshipped Him.  I could not sleep still after, but in time ( a long while) I was more relaxed and just before drifting off to sleep God spoke a word of revelation to me so faint, but I  heard it clear as day. The word was that ‘not all life is meant to be lived for 60,80,90 years.’ Some would say, well that’s a strange Valentine’s Gift…But I know the weight of that one statement from Father had freed me! Have you ever been truly freed by something God impressed upon you? I remembered the singer who lost his young daughter and for us the loss of 4 babies. There was so much packed into that one small statement; it carried with it the weight of Heaven itself! I was free for now and for future. Not all life is meant to live long, but all life is meant and purposed and for a good. I then told God I wanted to receive all He had for me this Val day..

Later I found myself awakened with a great peace and sense of joy and LOVE, that had my whole body buzzing as I lay there thinking over the dream He had just given me. The dream started off as me and J lay in bed in an apt (much like we do ;), but true to many dreams I had in the past I was frozen, and could not rouse myself or Jamie to move or speak, though I lay in his arms. I could not get up to confront the trespassers I saw coming in through the front door. I finally gave up. It’s Just not real! Then I am as if transported to the house where I grew up (the house no longer exists and we just moved my dad from this property of many a bad memories and events transpiring as a child; abuse and pain… many of my dreams had this house in it, but the dreams had no light to them). I was in an old bedroom and I see a young child all decrypt laying upon this sad bed with only springs for a top bunk! I said NO THIS IS FAKE ‘I want the REAL, no longer the FAKE!’ Then I am headed toward the front door knowing that on the other side of that DOOR is the REAL! I needed to see of the goodness of the Lord after seeing so much destructive pain and fear!  I WANNA SEEEE!!!! .. need to see His TRUTH. Determinably I’m opening that door;  the snow is dissipating and I can see the spring flowers are in blooms all around! Blue crocuses, white flowers in bundles and tulips growing high to see. Beautiful and bright. Life was in full bloom all around, fully healed and better than anything the past could muster! There were hanging baskets overflowing with white flowers!  I grabbed flowers by the handfuls and was excited to turn around. The old hunting cabin (of past and childhood) I had grown up on was as beautiful as a ski lodge and almost like a Swiss chalet! It was all redone and so BEAUTIFUL! I kept saying to GOD IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL, IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL, IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL!! It was something so unfamiliar to me to find such emotional joy!

Now buzzing awake, lying in bed full of peace and joy, feeling His love and restorative power over my past was at a completion. I know God gave me something extra special of His love to me this Valentines’ Day. I know He loves us and I pray as you give of your first fruits of this ‘Holy-Day’ that God will fill you with the energy of His love and the presence of His peace that no man can give.

rose

Happy Valentine’s Day Friends,

I am grateful to you for all the years of love you have poured out and how God has used you to change my life inside and out. Today I celebrate that love, I celebrate your faithfulness, I Celebrate the God who Transforms me by His love!

 

Love you,

May God extra bless you and lavish you with all the Romance He can muster. Besides, how else would He treat His beloved!

 

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You are what you Think…

“Don’t allow your beliefs to be challenged by your circumstances, allow them to be strengthened by them. If you’re going to learn the power of rejoicing, you need to let go of being upset, anxious, tired, and feeling down.”
“Our circumstances are not the problem; our perception of our circumstances is the problem. Your mindset is the place of your overcoming.”

… we challenge our circumstances about what we believe about our God.’
march 2nd and revisited Feb 2014~~ Graham Cook

We must remember that the weapons of our warfare start with what we allow ourselves to think!

2 Corinthians 10

“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.  The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension (lofty thought) that sets itself up (raises itself) against the knowledge of God (His wisdom and understanding), and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.  And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.”

WE cannot judge our circumstances by what we see (our minds).

Are you facing some Giants? Ask Father how He sees your situation!

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THE PEARL OF GREAT PRICE

pearl     A pearl is a picture of process. Within the oyster after a season of great distress a pearl emerges. This outside element of  sand, an irritant stuck within,  produces with it a pearl of great price. This pearl of eternally valuable change has been worked in by the course of hardship.

“There is nothing else that changes us quite so readily and profoundly as a devotion to the secret place in the midst of grueling hardship”

The more severe the test and the length of the irritant remaining within the oysters shell, the more valuable the pearl.

“Therefore, the formative value of tribulation is sometimes directly proportional to the duration of the crucible.”

 Because of this reality we can persevere with peace and joy.

“Treasure perfected in trial”

     The past months I had endured several procedures, operations, medications, illness, weight gain and the loss  of 4 babies. What wreck I was! But, as God does He draws us up higher to the place where we can reside above our circumstances and begin to enjoy life, begin to be healed and remain steadfast in hope. He had a better plan for me then merely surviving my tribulations. He also allows us to reap the plunders of testing like joy in suffering, strength and peace that only come from Him. Ministry that triumphs in effectiveness unlike past seasons. Fruit from prayer and seeking unmatched in efforts passed. A softer heart for the broken is noticed. A less judgmental religiosity is observed within. Truer worship is experienced. Truth about God is revealed in personal ways like no other avenue could reveal it.

Truth that He really does ALL things purely out of His love for me; purely out of what is best for my life and others. It is purely for my prosperity. It is purely to bring me life and not death. The strength gained in perseverance…

Don’t give up because what if today is the day He chooses to reward your devotion?  Any hardship can be endured with joy for the extravagance of His rewards.

There is ALWAYS more!

Constant faith is learned one day at a time through endurance …

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”         ~ James 1:2-4

Faith is BUILT so stop running and trying to escape your tribulation.. Don’t give up! Let your faith immerse through so that you will know how good God can be.

“But my righteous one will live by faith, and I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back.” ~ Hebrews 10:38

The difficulty I am experiencing is a temporary thing. The benefits are things that last! He has more for me/us in it then merely my survival through it. He has life!. He has the spoils of war and, not only that but a lifetime of reaping the establishment of what was gained in that season.

There is a song I heard that I absolutely love,  “Set a fire down in my soul one I can’t contain, that I can’t control. I want more of You God.  You have wounded me with Your love, and I will never be the same again”… Have I felt the woundings- YES! but it is only by His soft hand of love. And truly I will be forever changed. I can now give Him my woundings and expect that He too will heal those. So for now, not feeling any specific leading I set myself to His joy, His peace, setting aside my heart to once again enjoy life, but now with greater goodness added to it. The fact is, I have already won this trial.

Many I am sure have looked on thinking that we are at square one and nothing ‘worked’ so what will we try next? I say it has worked for a greater lasting treasure in our lives that we can carry with us henceforth. One doesn’t TRY God, because He always works. He is good.

“Taste and see that the Lord is good..” ~Psalm 34:8

Don’t give up, Don’t give in, if you don’t quit, YOU win, you win!

Quotes from book ‘Secrets of the Secret Place’ Sorge

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