Giving Up

You must, You must think I’m strong to give me what I’m going through…
Well, forgive me, forgive me if I’m wrong. But this looks like more than I can do
on my own…
I know I’m not strong enough to be everything that I’m supposed to be. I give up.
I’m not stong enough. Hands of mercy won’t you cover me. Lord right now I’m asking You to be strong enough. Strong enough for the both of us.
Well, maybe, maybe that’s the point. To reach the point of giving up…
Cause when I’m finally, finally at rock bottom… Well, that’s when I start looking up and reaching out…
I know I’m not strong enough to be everything that I’m supposed to be. I give up.
I’m not stong enough. Hands of mercy won’t you cover me. Lord right now I’m asking you to be strong enough…

Cause I’m broken down to nothing, but I’m still holding on to the one thing… You are God and You are strong when I am weak …

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength and I don’t have to be strong enough. I know I’m not strong enough to be everything that I’m supposed to be. I give up. I’m not stong enough. Hands of mercy won’t you cover me. Lord right now I’m asking you to be strong enough…

I give up. I’m not strong enough.

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. ¹⁰ That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” From 2 Corinthians 12

Faithful in the Wait

        Sometimes when it’s time to rejoice and just rest in knowing He has it all taken care of, even when I have had to continue to wait and wait… feeling like I am just spinning my wheels; when the flood of emotion seems to hit the surface once again and I find myself battling tears of heartache…in one of those moments recently this song below was playing on the radio at the perfect time. I soon realized  that even though the wait for children has continued, He is using it to answer other prayers that I have had. He is healing my emotions in this waiting (healing those deep places where as a child, I was emotionally dead), using my current situation to heal my once injured emotions and in that answering my prayers for restoration in that area. I thank Him for this time. I know we can all relate to times of waiting where it seems like nothing is really happening. But, if we quiet ourselves enough to listen, would we hear the sound of Him being responsive to some of our many prayers to Him (though the package of His answers are not being delivered the way we think easiest or best). I hope the heart behind this song encourages you as it has been a great encouragement to me during this time in my life. Remember He is faithful in the wait…

       Along with the song above, lyrics from another song have been continuously on my heart; ”I lift my hands to believe AGAIN!- Let Faith Arise- Open my eyes…. The word that really is highlighted to me is ‘AGAIN’. It is a choice for me to once again believe another month for His promise to come full circle in my life even when the past months it has not happened. I choose to believe again… Let Faith Arise~ Thanks Chris Tomlin

~I do not need to succom to the heartache of ’hope deferred makes the heart sick’… He has given me hope.~

Surgery

 Here is the modified prayer letter that was sent out after surgery…

Surgery went well yesterday though taking a little longer then expected. They found stage 3 endometriosis (3/4: on different organs; bowels). Because of the severity of the endo they did not bother to remove any surgically. The next step is a drug called Lupron via injection…

Lupron:  is a man-made form of a hormone that regulates many processes in the body. Leuprolide overstimulates the body’s own production of certain hormones, which causes that production to shut down temporarily. It reduces the amount of estrogen in women (essentially shutting down the reproductive system).

The doctor’s plan of action: They would like me on this drug for 3 months to remove the endometriosis (can’t survive without estrogen/progesterone). Then they would like to follow that up with clomid (a fertility drug, causing ovulation; release of multiple eggs. It is to jump-start your reproductive system into gear again after being shut off). Then get pregnant, which also naturally shuts off estrogen/progesterone production. Following pregnancy they would like me on birth control to further stop any endo from growing.

Where we are at: Thus far, and we will continue to pray, we feel going ahead with Lupron is the best option for us. I have no pain from the surgery itself. A few slight twinges here and there. I have been taking it easy. Pain from the gas they used in surgery to pump my belly so they had room to work has been bothersome; the gas must absorb into my system. It can be very painful at times, but I find just slowing down and ‘rebuking’ it to be the best medicine .

Pray against; pain in upper abdomen, chest, shoulder and neck.  blood clots and discouragement!

This morning I awoke to a song being played over and over in my head; ‘don’t give up….don’t let go…you got a reason to live’. Then also received confirmation later via an email from Diane.

We need wisdom and direction. We are not yet comfortable with the clomid or the birth control options. God do you have another way? We also believe that these last few months of inner healing I have gone through have cut off the endo in its tracks. So, though the doctors believe it will grow back we believe that what was causing it has been severed and will not grow back once dissipated.

I have a follow-up appointment scheduled for the 28^th along with the fertility specialist for the administration of the lupron…

PRAISE!:  We love and appreciate you all. WE praise God for His goodness to us. He truly has perfect timing! We praise him for faithful Saints who cared for us and brought us dinner last night. So HELPFUL! We praise him that a few years ago when I was looking for a new doctor I was recommended mine and it just ‘so happens’ she specialized in the very thing I have just went in for…fertility and laparoscopies! Looking back we see the hand of God all over THIS SPECIFIC TIME.

Just a month or so ago He was telling us IT’S TIME!  We are so glad to see the barriers break before us as we press forward. We also see how this past season of our life where He solidified in our minds, with no wavering that He was going to get us pregnant, has ushered us in to handling this diagnosis and the steps to follow. We are hopeful for a miracle and know that He is going to do it. So we look to Him and our miracle!

Love and Blessings,

~The Mortillaro’s

Contrary Winds

The contrary winds blew and I must say that I got a bit confused at what God was saying…

Our last definite directive and peace  was to follow what my dr. was saying. But, as soon as I came back from a healing seminar (in which the roots and causes from medical doctors) of Endometriosis were discussed and  prayed against, there were a lot of contrary winds that then came. They came in the form of well-meaning people and those whom ‘sensed’ that God was telling us to go a different direction; to cancel our appointment. Those asking if I really needed to get the operation. I know these people love us and want what is best for us but, it came down to us hearing and following God ourselves. The very next day or so after returning home I opened up a medical book I had bought and what was before my eyes, the testimony of a woman who had canceled her operation and that moment the pain of endometriosis disappeared and she was healed that very hour. I did struggle with the fact that If I believed that God had cut the inlet of endometriosis off in my life, why am I going to get this operation. Am I lacking in faith?

I just had to lay it all out on the table before God and dispel any overwhelming confusions. God is not a God of confusion. God I will go either way. We just wanted to go where He wanted us. I had complete peace you see. He had given it to me the moment He told me to listen to my doctor, even with the surgery. I told Him I just wanted to hear for ourselves what He was saying and I asked Him to make it very clear to us. I put my trust in my husband and stepped forward in that. We brought our concerns before some trusted church leaders and they encouraged; what did God tell you… So, we went with the peace and where He had guided us in the first place. He had not told us otherwise.

The Night before the surgery on my way to Worship, God gave me this revelation from the book of Acts, verses I haven’t thought much about. God gave me recollection of Paul the Apostle, how he by the spirit knew he was to go to Jerusalem. Then he had some that would prophesy to him not to go! But, as he began his journey he received word from God that he was indeed to go to. It was very encouraging to me. That we sensed God was telling us to go, though much had come in direct opposition to that. But, God had other plans and for the one hearing – Paul…He was being directed not by well-meaning people but by the Holy Spirit.  They that were ‘in spirit’ seemed to see the persecution Paul would go through but used their human interpretation of the spirits prophesy.

So, we headed forward with peace in Him… and after this decision was made He confirmed it to us in other ways and through other people whom we trust.

~

 ²¹ After all this had happened, Paul decided^[a] to go to Jerusalem, passing through Macedonia and Achaia. “After I have been there,” he said, “I must visit Rome also.” Acts 19:21

²² “And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. Acts 20:22

 We sought out the disciples there and stayed with them seven days. Through the Spirit they urged Paul not to go on to  Jerusalem. Acts 21:1-6

After we had been there a number of days, a prophet named Agabus came down from Judea. ¹¹Coming over to us, he took Paul’s belt, tied his own hands and feet with it and said, “The Holy Spirit says, ‘In this way the Jewish leaders in Jerusalem will bind the owner of this belt and will hand him over to the Gentiles.” ¹² When we heard this, we and the people there pleaded with Paul not to go up to Jerusalem. ¹³ Then Paul answered, “Why are you weeping and breaking my heart? I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus.” ¹⁴ When he would not be dissuaded, we gave up and said, “The Lord’s will be done.” 7-16

 ¹¹ The following night the Lord stood near Paul and said, “Take courage! As you have testified about me in Jerusalem, so you must also testify in Rome.”  Acts 23:11

 

The Secret Place

I want not to say, ‘Look how hard I’ve worked for you’… but to say, ‘Look how much He did.’

www.sherimortillaro.com ; Secret Place Psalm 139

My Journey- Gods Grace (part 4)

Healing Hearts <3

We arrived at the church late that night for the second time and I could hear the worship going as we stepped in the narthex. Walking into the sanctuary Jamie began to weep uncontrollably during the entire worship time; he was broken. I, however, came in differently. I remember standing coldly beside Jamie as he was in tears. I was so hurt and achy inside and said to God: “Your word says to test the spirits and I am going to test them tonight. I wanna know tonight, I wanna know tonight if prophesy is real. I wanna know tonight if tongues are real. When they ask me what I want prayer for I am not going to tell them. I know I need physical healing but I don’t care right now. I need my heart healed.” That was my silent prayer to God.

After worship Jamie and I were split up. I signed up for 2 ministry groups: one was for prayer from those gifted in the prophetic and the other was for healing and I went to the healing one first. In the healing group the small group asked me what I wanted prayer for and I told them that I was not going to tell them. They graciously accepted my response and began to wait on God and pray. Then, someone began to pray for my heart to be healed. God had my attention with that! Then someone mentioned to me that I wake up in the night for a reason (keep in mind that these people do not know us at all, nor did they know my constant struggles with sleep deprivation and nightmares).

The second group I went to was across the church sanctuary and it was for prayer and a prophetic word. They began to wait on God and to pray (it’s so hard to explain a revelation God gives you through others so I will do my best as God really rocked my world that night, changing our lives). They started saying that I am ‘black and white…God give me black and give me white because I don’t want any grey and that’s the way God made me’. Well, it was so true! ‘Black and white’ was a phrase I would often use when I would see others making excuses to do what they wanted and live how they wanted, saying it was a ‘grey issue’.  I would respond by saying: ‘no it is black and white!’ Another thing they mentioned was that I wake up in the night for a reason and that God was birthing in me a gift-the gift of intercession (I can now see this gift alive and active in my life). There was a lot more said so I will only mention a few quick things: They mentioned that I was ‘as a tree without fruit…that there was something I needed to give up’ (right again!). I was not only excited, but amazed at my God. Not only could these people see what He sees, but I think I was also amazed that He didn’t sit there and have bad things to say about me or try to show everyone my deepest darkest sins! He just loved, He just revealed Himself in my life to heal me! Healing even my wrong perceptions of Him…because, wrong perceptions of Him can cause us to believe even greater lies. He also showed me that He knows me personally; revealing those things that only He would know. Jamie had the same experience separately and we both went home and were in shock and awe at what God had done. There was actually more of God, just as I had been asking. There was a greater God then we knew. A more personal God who cared about our lives.

When we got home that night I remember us putting worship music on and dancing around our house together. We felt such joy we had never had before as well as freedom. It seems strange to have so much joy over something that is so hard to describe in the first place but, it was huge for us. That night of prayer drastically changed us to the very core and it gave us tremendous hope. It was as if there was no light at the end of the tunnel in our lives and then suddenly there was light. Were things suddenly perfect? No. Were all our heartaches gone? No, but there was light, a light that wasn’t there before…and light destroys darkness.

From this point on it was very clear to us that this was our new church home; the very place we had desperately needed; far from our first Sunday morning there when Jamie said we would never return… Thank God he had other plans. I distinctly remember one day walking into the church thinking: ‘I could have a family here’ (this was a big deal for me to say after all I had gone through growing up). I had found a place of security; a place of safety for my wounded heart to grow and heal. I new that I could safely raise my family here with much support and love. I had been so fearful of having children because of all the ugliness of my life. Love encircled us here. We were immediately loved and amazed that these people truly lived the Word of God, truly believed it, and were genuinely nice people (not just surface nice but they didn’t change…they had been truly redeemed, truly freed themselves). They knew the works of God and experienced the fruit of who He is. It is not about the church specifically but, about meeting the living God!

We decided it would not be right for us to get involved in any type of ministry immediately as we needed much healing ourselves. Our journey of healing began together as a couple and individually as God began to show us a better way. We learned about true forgiveness; what it means to really forgive. We learned persistence in believing what God says and to fight for it even. We learned deeper repentance; through all the hurts of the past and present. I learned to deal with ill memories that I had carried my life through. I had to let go of them. Probably most importantly, I learned to wait on God; to truly hear His voice clearer then ever before. I learned in greater measure what it means to be led by His Spirit as opposed to doing what I think is right and merely following Godly principals. As we began to walk forward in these things we began to see the ‘junk’ or symptoms fall off of us; symptoms from walking in chains. Jamie’s attitude began to change at home as he recognized his shortcomings and allowed God access to those areas of his life once kept private. He recognized his lack of love and then God began to fill him with His love. God was not only healing our attitudes, but all the sicknesses I had carried right along with it.  I learned to trust God to heal all my infirmities and trusted Him with all my heartaches. The cloudiness began to leave as well as the lactose intolerance. Headaches, dizziness…gone along with the nightmares. Intimacy came and blessings filled our marriage. I went back to the same doctor who had diagnosed me with scoliosis and a short leg (to which I wore a shoe lift) and had it confirmed that my back was straight, and I no longer had a short leg. The arthritis in my spine also was healed! No more pain! Sometimes God does miracles in a second, yet sometimes He heals progressively, and all are worth His praise. He uses them to teach us greater lessons. He never wastes pain, but we can. Did my ‘issues’ leave suddenly? No. It was a process of declaration, repentance, believing, walking, listening and doing. It was a process of learning the laid down Christian life. Only then, would I ‘awaken’ to find those things that had plagued me gone! I had lots of prayer and direction as I submitted myself under a hearing and seeing leadership. We also got involved in a discipleship group and classes. Fears began to leave, anxiety, and I no longer washed my hands repeatedly nor counted…OCD conquered! I was free to learn and to find my place in worship expression. How would I not want to worship a God who loves me so much to set me free? I was finally free of the heart ache I had carried for so many years! I realized I am loved for who I am. I am not a product of rejection, nor do I have to live a defeated life. I did not have to carry chains of sickness and disease. He had already died to set me free in all areas of my life!

We soon had the opportunity to take a missions trip to Brazil. We went alone as others plans fell through and it was another eye-opening experience for us as we saw those we prayed for healed; those at death’s door not die. It awakened a call in our lives. We saw and we used in first hand miracles and God’s words to us came to pass.

We continue to be freed up and lurched forward by God. He has given us more joy in life and has shown us the way we must go to live the abundant life. He offers this life to everyone free for the taking! He is a living God, so expect more. If He hasn’t shown Himself to you as each attribute of His name (Healer, Redeemer, Father/Daddy God, Counselor, Prince of Peace, Savior, Friend, etc.), then go after it…ask for it. Pursue. If  you have ever wondered if there was more of God, more to this Christian walk, there is! He has done it in me and He can do it in you. I went from a place of darkness, even afraid to do anything on my own; a place where I could hardly be alone with my own thoughts. A place of guilt, shame, rejection and condemnation. Now I rejoice at spending time alone! Some of my most precious times are when I am alone, just me and Him. I came from a place of not even knowing who I was and He showed me who He says I am. We have never had so much peace in our marriage and joy with each other. I have never loved my husband as I do now, not to mention other people and I know even this will continue to grow.

Are you a new creature (2 Corinthians 5:17 – “If any man be in Christ he is a new creature, old things have passed away, all things have become new”)?

If not, ask Him why.

John 10:10 “The thief (enemy) comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus) have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (abundantly).”

I have never been as free as I am today and each day that will be my truth!

Romans 8:14 – “For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the Sons of God.”

Matthew 6:14-15 – “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Eph 4:31-32 – “Let there be no more bitter resentment or anger, no more shouting or slander, and let there be no bad feeling of any kind among you. Be kind to each other, be compassionate. Be as ready to forgive others as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you.” …

 bad news: YOU CAN’T DO IT!! …good news: HE can DO IT IN YOU!

Isaiah 48:17 – “This is what the LORD says–your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: ‘I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what’s best for you. Who directs you in the way you should go.”

I love the words of Job when he says: “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.”

Now I feel loved, wanted. Now I know who I am; I know my purpose. I have seen

 I AM <3 

 

Clearing of the way…

I feel the path is clear before us and we are nearing the end as some mountains have been moved on our behalf.  Shortly after spending some time going after our specific ’mountain’ and learning about having joy during the trying time (these things I have gone over in greater detail previously), God began a new phase in my life. But, I am so glad that He gave me endurance as He had spoken to my heart during the Mountain Moving stage. I do not doubt that the things we learned during that stage have ushered in this present season of my life. Obedience is so fruitful! Lately, it has seemed that so many things have begun to make sense for us, fitting together like perfectly timed puzzle pieces. God began to show me a linking between the things I struggle with in the present (some I have even been plagued with for years) and the things of the past. Things I thought were pretty well taken care of… You see, for those who don’t know; I had been abused as a child and have struggled the past years with some deep issues that didn’t even seem to be linked to that abuse. I began to have dreams that associated my stubborn, anger attitude with the abuse I suffered as a child (the enemy has amazing ways at disguising our pain). It took me a while to see and admit that I had a problem with both stubbornness and anger. But, the dreams God kept giving me were non-relenting and I had to begin to deal with each issue laid on my heart if I was to get past this point in my life. He would gently awaken me at night and show me, ‘See you are angry at your husband because of ….’ ‘You need to deal with it’…’It is hurting you.’ In truth even the littlest leaven holds us back and I was being held captive. God also told me to look up a condition called endometriosis; I was blown away at the symptoms I have lived with all these years.

A theme I kept hearing from various sources was the fact that sometimes we must deal with some issues within us (emotionally etc….) before we can completely tackle things in the physical. Just like those who suffer from anxiety and worry, they often have intestinal issues and can slap a drug on it but what they really need is to deal with the fact that they are worried and anxious. Left alone the issues compile causing an onion effect that has to then be dealt with layer by layer. Thank God that He knows our frame. In other words, my physical healing (to conceive children and some other things) is directly linked to me holding onto some anger/stubbornness (and or other things) in my life resulting from the abuse I had suffered as a child. God led me through another season of repentance and  seeking His face so I could let go of what has held me back all these years in my marriage and everyday relationships. Sometimes it is very difficult to face what is within us because it can seem very well masked and barely an issue but, if we take a stand and call a lie a lie then we can begin to be changed as we humble ourselves before God and He will heal us. Though it can be very tough to recognize and admit these truths within our own frame. We like to water things down and allow ourselves to not look so bad in our own eyes. Besides, I had a right to be frustrated about this or that. It was righteous anger… hmmmm….What’s God saying…

It was strange, like a switch going off, that at this time I felt I needed to also pray through some roots of barrenness. Did you know the Bible calls barrenness a curse? It was hard for me to admit my problem, but after 5 or so years of trying and not conceiving children, we were having  some infertility issues. I had remembered, maybe a year ago a pastor had sent us a study on those who were barren and the traits marked in their lives and that of their families… so, while I had the peace I asked for that list that I never would read before. My husband and I prayed over it and asked God to take the curse off of us and our family line. At this same time we felt led to go ahead with my upcoming doctors appointment.

It is funny that right when we feel complete peace to step forward, pursue the advice of the doctors, (feeling that our time is soon-for conceiving), that the road blocks seem to spring up in our faces. Jamie tried multiple times to get his test done and between forgetting, getting told the wrong information, phone tag, and then the fact that they had internal issues at the office, it took several months to accomplish. Also, suddenly they were not giving me prenatal vitamins anymore. That was also a hassle that took a while to figure out. We struggled with getting a date to get in to see the doctor as they were going to have me wait months for my followup appointment. But, in His perfect timing an appointment was set for February 1st. Usually I half-plug my ears when I go in to see the doctor because I never have peace about going through testings and such. But, this time I felt God tell me to be at peace and listen and do. My doctor gave me a brief description of some next steps along with some pamphlets. This is what I read on one of the pamphlets: “Your doctor may ask about your medical and sexual history,…about any physical, sexual or mental abuse. Woman who have a history of depression or sexual abuse or have been raped are more likely to have chronic pain. For these reasons, your doctor may ask many questions about you and your family to see if there is a need for counseling.” I just really was taken back by this. There was so much spiritual truth right here in this secular paper! Even the medial community realizes that issues women have may not be cured by any drug or procedure but simply by the them dealing with the root issues the woman themselves are carrying! Confirmation once again.

This brings me to last Sunday morning. The theme of the Service was NOW IS THE TIME…. funny because God has been personally telling me that IT’S TIME! But, during this service someone had a word for us; a word for a new reproductive system in short. We received special ministry time of prayer and also were encouraged to repent for the family line because there has been a curse against us even from the inlet of my abusers as a child. Exactly what God had just shown us days before. The curse was severed and we believed we were healed that day. Interestingly enough, my next Dr.’s appointment was the next day. My doctor gave us three options; the first being drugs and we had no peace about this. The second being a tube check with radiation and we also had no peace here. The third, though most invasive was the laparoscopy with tube check and we had peace about this. God had given us almost one month to seek Him on the matter and something I have learned is to go where the peace is.  My doctor highly believed that the struggles I have had over past years have stemmed from a condition called endometriosis; just as I felt God was already telling me that very same thing.

So, where do we go from here? Seems like things could get confusing but, go where the peace of God is leading. He is still having us step forward for surgery. Whether we are healed now, but need one ‘cleaning’ out or  it is all done now; either way God has set us free and it is our time. So, my surgery date is set for April 14th. But, in the meantime, we have another whole month to go before this date so we are waiting and believing we may not even have to go to this appointment. We have peace and know that God is in control. We have sought to do this whole process of waiting in His time and in His way. Our time is soon and this is our Spring, this is our year. By the way, on the Jewish calendar this year is 5771 and holds a double Adar, meaning ‘Double Pregnancy with JOY!’ God is so good to us! So, bring on the babies!

My Journey- God’s Grace (part 3)

Travails of Marriage

Soon into our marriage the baggage we both carried was very evident. I pulled all my baggage in with me from childhood and Jamie’s wasn’t far behind. He was relentless in his ‘control’ of how things were in our house and I grew physically sicker and sicker; and the roots of bitterness sprung into trees as my heart became even harder. I was angry, hurt, tired and weary from the journey of life. I developed headaches and an achy body the doctors thought may be fibromyalgia. I also was diagnosed with sway back scoliosis, arthritis in my spine and found out my one leg was shorter and I needed a shoe lift. I was in constant pain, could hardly walk, and was supposed to take all these meds and go into pain management classes. But, I was not about to admit defeat even though it seemed that when one sickness was at bay another would begin. I couldn’t even catch up and was often in a foul mood, feeling ill and defeated. Were their bursts of ministry and good times during all this yes… were they what they could have been – no. The meds just made me feel more clouded then I already did and I needed God not drugs!

Remember that compassion I prayed for?? Well, God began to release it in me, slowly breaking my heart and I began to cry and weep for others. I even joke that a dog in a commercial would make me well up! He was beginning a good change in me but I was so far from a life of peace and love.

Within our first year of marriage Jamie began in leadership at a church with much reluctance on my part because we were not ready. But, we were told we could not be in our ministry if we were not in leadership. I told Jamie I would go with him no matter the direction but, I just felt our house needed to be in order first. There is a reason in the Jewish culture the bride and groom take a year off everything! So, I plowed ahead beside my husband; besides wasn’t that being a submissive wife?

Yet, our life was crumbling at the seams. We just didnt’ get along and hurts piled on hurts and I remember getting to the point of just asking God ‘there has to be more to this Christian life, because if their isn’t…I just don’t think I can do this for the rest of my life’. I felt we needed to move from where we were. There has to be more of God. Little did I know that God was producing in us a hunger for Him and had healing on the way. We were spiritually dry and growing every drier. We seemed like the ‘black sheep’ and stood for things that others did not and were looked down upon for our convictions. I felt suffocated as I walked into church and very unliked… I knew we needed help but we couldn’t agree on seeking counsel at this point. Because Christianity = perfection right? It means you have all the answers or atleast live in a way that seems you do?? It means you have it all together… right? It means you can pretend things don’t really bother you for the sake of peace; it means you can’t possibly not have an answer for something or be stuck in some sin or issue…. or does it?

I remember we had gotten to a point; not that we were seeking for divorce because that was not in our vocabulary, besides God hates divorce so why would we consider it… But, it was as if we were living as roommates and I didn’t need a roommate. I remember saying that if you are just going to be a roommate, I don’t need it and you can leave.

With these issues along with our individual issues, the bitterness grew. The fight within me grew and mixed with the sickness I was suffering with and with the after effects of being sexually abused our marriage seemed it had heaping coals upon it. Finding intimacy was difficult and a constant struggle even making me physically sick at times (I tread lightly here to not write more than I should. My heart is to give a clear picture of our lives in truth and not half-truths, and to show the redemptive power of Christ).

Jamie said we were diving in to our ministry so I put my game face on, besides what could I do! We were about to take the youth on a retreat in the area. We went and the whole message was about the ‘luke warm’ church. It really hit home with us, but we saw things there we were not used to (both coming from a very conservative background). I saw a worship leader one minute singing and playing behind her instrument and the next on her face on the floor in front of it crying out to God freely worshipping, not caring who was watching. I saw intercessors praying as the meetings were going on, walking the aisles and lifting their hands over the young people in the conference. I saw people flagging and dancing in the front just worshipping during the service-such freedom I had never seen, even though at the time I didn’t understand it all.  I began to get a sense about those who say ‘God is a God of order and these things aren’t orderly’… and with that thought an opposing thought that said ‘but, whose order is it? Man’s or God’s? I recieved a revelation that evening that sometimes what man calls disorder IS God’s good order. I had a picture in my head-I saw as the throne of God and Him on it. There were all these levels beneath Him of people who worshipped on hands and knees, on their faces in the front. Next, people who worshipped with hands raised, then those who danced in the back, and on one side, those who flagged, and on another, those who danced (as in a different cultural dancing). God’s order is beautiful and everyone’s worship will not look the same. It was freedom I saw and it forever impacted and changed my life.

By the end of the conference God had put us in unity. Jamie and I were on the same page and we knew we had to leave where we were currently going to church so we resigned from our ministries to seek God together. During this time more in our marriage seemed to fall apart as I admitted some deep things to Jamie that I didn’t even plan to. It rocked him so hard that he was crying and he was broken to the point of seeking counsel in our marriage. I was hurt that he was hurt, but glad for the change of direction. So, we lined up a counselor and Jamie made a plan of churches we would check out because we knew they were ‘safe’ or we knew what they believed in. We went to a few and we liked them, but still had no real direction. Out of the blue I met up with a girl who actually used to be in our youth group, she invited us to her church and we decided we would go…

Leaving our church we lost our ‘friends’ and all that we knew. We really didn’t hear much of anyone after we left as if we weren’t even there to begin with, but God was using even this in our lives for good. He was drawing us away empty, that we may be filled with Him, because when we are empty of self, He can have free reign with us…

We finally went to my friend’s church. We were so desperate for God that we figured we’d judge when we got there. It was definitely different, but during the meeting God began a checklist in my heart of things that had bothered us in the past. However, here things were done here very differently. The worship team did not put on a show, but they were barely part of the service. They were in the corner of the church in a circle, not as a concert or to be ‘watched’. During Communion we were called forward individually by each family to take communion with the Pastors. The first question they asked us is if we had excepted Christ (this I really appreciated since we came from a place where I knew unbelievers were partaking of the communion, even though there is a curse attached for them-unknowingly – see Corinthians). It was as if God was answering our hearts convictions from the past church and showing us a better way.  The communion was explained to us and we shared a bit with them even about my lactose intolerance to which they were quick to pray for me. They really believed that God would do what He said He would – He would heal! Grand idea right!? Many of the places I have been seemed to forget that simple truth. Though I would admit I was a bit nervous at their very persistent prayers for my healing, but I was moved! During the happenings of that day, God solidified some things in me. We heard about a ‘healing and hope’ service at the same church the following Friday and I really wanted to go. Jamie on the other hand did not share my sentiments as he had already, what he likes to call ‘white knuckled’ the whole service the previous Sunday. So I prayed for God’s will and decided to follow Jamie. That week, however, as all Jamie’s frustrations came out about why the service was not of God, I decided to write it all down and send it off to a trusted friend in the Lord. To which, unbenouced to me, she copied him in on a multi-paged letter explaining the strange ways of God in the Bible. Friday rolled around and Jamie still didn’t have plans to go, so we had made other plans with friends who are normally very hard to pin a date down with. However,  as he drove home from work that Friday evening a war began inside of him and he wrestled with God. He felt God saying that we needed to go, but he argued with God that we had plans and could not go. No sooner did Jamie get home and we got a call from those very friends canceling for the night! So, we grabbed our coats and went to church!

We were not prepared for what God had in store for us that night, but our lives were changed forever from that day forward!!

HIS FAVOR!!! HIS WORK

Maybe I was in need of some encouragement lately and I am not really sure how I got started on this stuff but, I remember wondering if all those who asked God for children got them? What became of the children of once barren women? So, I did a bit of research and was still yet amazed. I wanted to share some interesting information of those in the scriptures who were either having trouble conceiving, barren, or without children. What does God say about how children come to us. I guess our journey as a married couple has sprouted many thoughts and questions for us and I am glad that we have a God who loves to answer our hearts thoughts.

It amazed me what I found as each woman who asked God for a child eventually bore a child except one. Many had to wait years for their blessings and promises to come but, God had special purposes (almost seemed extra special) for their children and I suspect some major character building for each parent in the waiting. Each child had behind it an amazing story. . Here is some of what I found.

THOSE WHO WHERE BARREN –UNABLE/DIDN’T CONCEIVE
Manoah and Wife… they had Sampson                  SET ISRAEL FREE FROM PHILISTINES
Elizabeth and Zecharias…they had John/Baptist PREPARED THE WAY OF LORD
Sarah and Abraham…they had Issac                       CHILD OF PROMISE;BROUGHT BLESSIN
Hannah and Elkanah… they had Samuel               JUDGE, PROPHET, PRIEST
Issac and Rebekah… they had Jacob & Esau         FATHERED 12 TRIBES OF ISRAEL (J)
Jacob and Rachael… they had Joseph & Benj.      GREAT RULER/SAVED NATION (J)
Shuamite Woman… they had a son                         PROMISED CHILD; GLORY OF GOD
David and Michal… They never bore children
*From research only one of the women did not bare children and that was Michal. But, we are not told why. Nor were we told if she wanted children or sought them out from the Lord as all but one of the other woman had. What we do know is that Michal mocked Davids ‘undignified’ devotion to God. She had bitterness in her heart towards her husband. Seems as though she did not share her husband’s faith- and was also given to him by her father to be a snare to him.

*We are not told what became of the Shuamite womans son. But, as I continued to read the story I began to see a wonderful significance to his life.  The Bible calls the woman a ‘great woman’ …and one of great faith it seemed. She is humble and is promised a son by the Prophet and received her promised child as a miracle in her old age. The child was also an avenue that the glory of God be revealed by yet another miracle as the child, later in life was raised from the dead.

Amazing yet is that God proclaims to be the one who opens and closes the womb. He alone creates life! IT IS HIS MIRACLE. We cannot create the breath of life it belongs to Him alone.

Then Abraham prayed to God, and God healed Abimelek, his wife and his female slaves so they could have children again,  for the LORD had kept all the women in Abimelek’s household from conceiving because of Abraham’s wife Sarah. Gen 20:17-18

Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant. Gen 25:21

When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive, but Rachel remained childless. Gen 29:31

When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister. So she said to Jacob, “Give me children, or I’ll die!” Jacob became angry with her and said, “Am I in the place of God, who has kept you from having children?” Gen 30:1-2

God listened to Leah, and she became pregnant and bore Jacob a fifth son…Gen 30:17

Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and enabled her to conceive. She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, “God has taken away my disgrace.” She named him Joseph, and said, “May the LORD add to me another son.” Gen 30:22-24

The angel of the LORD appeared to her and said, “You are barren and childless, but you are going to become pregnant and give birth to a son. Judges 13:3

Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the LORD remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the LORD for him.” 1 Samuel 1:19-20

Both of them were righteous in the sight of God… But they were childless because Elizabeth was not able to conceive, and they were both very old…Then an angel of the Lord appeared to him (Zechariah),…“Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to call him John…” (6-15) … After this his wife Elizabeth became pregnant… “The Lord has done this for me,” she said. “In these days he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people.”(23-25) Luke 1:6-15, 23,25

The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”… “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”…“The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you.” Luke 1:28-35

I heard this quote regarding the Birth of Jesus; in regards to Jesus’s conception that I just loved! We have a miracle-working God; ”But the Scriptures demonstrate that God could operate even despite the total absence of an ingredient most would deem absolutely essential for fertilization.” ~ quote taken from Crystal ‘A full Quiver’ …

Eve said ”With the Help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.” God told Hagar that He would multiply her offspring…He had listened to her affliction and  she was pregnant.  In Ruth 4 it says God enabled her (Ruth) to conceive. Abraham received a blessing that he would have children. In Leviticus 26:9 God says He will increase their numbers!

And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she considered him faithful who had made the promise. Hebrews 11:11

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Barrenness is a curse

Do not rejoice, Israel; do not be jubilant like the other nations. For you have been unfaithful to your God… ⁷ The days of punishment are coming, the days of reckoning are at hand. Let Israel know this. Because your sins are so many… ¹¹ … no birth, no pregnancy, no conception. ¹² Even if they rear children, I will bereave them of every one… ¹⁴ Give them, LORD— what will you give them? Give them wombs that miscarry and breasts that are dry… ¹⁶ Ephraim is blighted, their root is withered, they yield no fruit. Even if they bear children, I will slay their cherished offspring.”…Hosea 9

The fruit of your womb will be blessed (regards to obedience)…  The fruit of your womb will be cursed… (for disobedience). Deuteronomy 28:4

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Fruitfulness is a Blessing from God <3 <3

You will be blessed more than any other people; none of your men or women will be childless, nor will any of your livestock be without young. Deuteronomy 7:14

And none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span. Exodus 23:26

Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him… Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them. Psalm 127 3&5

Blessed are all who fear the LORD, who walk in obedience to him. You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Yes, this will be the blessing for the man who fears the LORD… Psalm 128

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PSALM 139:13-14  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Isaiah 44:2 This is what the LORD says—He who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who will help you: Do not be afraid, Jacob, my servant, Jeshurun, whom I have chosen.

1 Samuel 1:5  But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the LORD had closed her womb.

Psalm 100:3  Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his…

Psalm 113:9  He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.

We Praise the one who alone will do it in us. It is His miracle the work of His hand and blessing!

<3

Rejoiceing Phase

As my heart-strings continue to get pulled the past weeks I can hear the still small voice of my Father saying Rejoice, Rejoice! So often life’s trials can all but overwhelm us, as has seemed the case in our lives lately, not only with waiting for our children but also with some other happenings around us. I have often asked myself this question over the past months and years; when do I rejoice? Will it be when I see the fulfillment of my long-awaited promise or is it during this time of waiting and uncompleted promise that God would have me to rejoice and be glad. I really honestly wanted to know because I just couldn’t seem to find the joy though I would have spirts of it here and there it just didnt’ seem to stick. So, I just asked Him and He was faithful to give me an answer through another person. Along with this answer He was faithful to bring me to the place of receiving and choosing this Joy as He showed me JOY is a CHOICE! I choose JOY!

A few weeks ago after my question to God, I was at church and the message was about ~JOY! After the message; well actually during the message it was settled in my heart that I was going to seek God’s joy and choose to remain in it. I will choose daily and sometimes several times daily to receive this NOW JOY and thank Him that I am a favored one in His sight with double portion rights! The second decision I made was to not let my mind wander in wonder on how He will fulfill the promise He is gonna give me. (This part is thanks to a message I heard entitled ‘When troubles Arise’ by Judy Green ~Radio Show). So this month I have dedicated myself to seeking joy and looking to Him.

The message I heard on Sunday was that Joy IS NOW! Christmas means (or is about) the fruit of the Spirit; peace, JOY, love, patience…-God manifests these in our lives. I only grab hold of Immanuel ‘God with US’ and have the joy! May I grab hold of God as Jacob did.

Zechariah 2:10 says “SING FOR JOY and be glad, O daughter of Zion; for behold I am coming and I will dwell in your midst,” declares the LORD.” 

It is a singing for joy because HE IS COMING! It is even a looking forward to that promise being fulfilled, and in that waiting REJOICING!!! HE DWELLS WITH ME!  I WILL RECEIVE JOY TODAY… Holy Spirit resides in me and because of that there is joy so allow the Spirit to produce Joy. He has already given me access to the fruits of the Spirit.

ISAIAH 61:6-7 “And you will be called priests of the Lord you will be called ministers of God…” “Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.”

A note about ‘Double Portion’: It is more than 2 x’s!! Think about the Double portions the Tribes of Israel received… it just kept going as the blessing went to the next generations. We know that Double portions came from favor and Positioning (firstborn.. etc.). Christ was our elder brother that we may receive double portion through Him.

Romans 8: ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.

¹⁶ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. ¹⁷ Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

 ‘Shout for joy’ why? Because of His goodness. ‘Therefore’ they will posses  a double portion, everlasting joy will be there’s. We can have joy in midst of reality. Sometimes reality is the hardships of life. Shout for Joy even as a looking forward at the fulfillment of the/a promise… because God favors me. Bring in that promise by shouting for joy! Joy is a spiritual emotion but comes out as a natural one. He has given you joy receive it right now; It is a choice!

So, I continue to choose joy and take my mind captive to the obedience of Hope in CHRIST!